2002-08-12 - 1:23 p.m.

Okay so I'm driving in my car listening to Something Corporate. This is something that I do pretty often, but I realized that I hear a lot of songs but I don't always listen to them. How often do we speak without really being heard?

The song "Standing outside a broken phonebooth with money in my hand" came on the radio and I listened to it like I have so many times before. I listened for my favorite part, "And if I die before I learn to speak. Will money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?" I was always so stuck on the second part that I never really heard the first part.

And suddenly it was like I heard it loud and clear. What if I died before I learned to speak? Part of the problem with the world is that all of us talk so much, but none of us say anything. I'm horrible about doing this. I talk all the time. It's a self defense mechanism. I talk so that people will see and hear what I want them to...........and they won't see me. I say the only thing I've ever really wanted was to be understood, but how can I be understood if I can't even tell someone how I feel?

For the first time I understand why I love Something Corporate. I thought it was b/c there were songs that reminded me of Kyle and reminded me of my family and other friends. But I realize that I like SoCo b/c the songs remind me of........me. I listen to the song and I feel understood. I feel like I understand the person who wrote the song. I feel like I'm a part of a very important and emotional part of this person's life. I feel connected to the song and to anyone else that can connect with that song. I'm so lucky that I know how to listen. I spend so much time asleep that sometimes I forget to listen, but I know how to listen.

And I woke up in a car.....

now if only I could learn to speak.

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